Captain Jack Sparrow Costume
Asking yourself if you’d make a good pirate is kind of like wondering if you are a good lover: you can draw your own conclusions, but at the end of the day, no one will really tell you the truth! With so few people actually transacting with real life pirates, you’ll be forced to comply with the images pop culture has cooked up for us. Here are a few questions to ask yourself.
Can you talk the talk? Anyone can yell “Yegarrrrrr me mateeeee!” It takes true pirate prowess to maintain dialogue using the requisite “me” instead of “I.”
INCORRECT: “I want some fish stew.”
CORRECT: “Me wants some fish stew”
Keep in mind that pirates aren’t Oxford grads, nor are they known as conversationalists. Stick with two syllable non-words and slur them together. If all else fails and you want to unleash your true inner buccaneer, learn more on how to talk like a pirate.
Can you walk the walk? If you have a peg leg, you’re already a step ahead of the competition. If not, you’ll need to alter your walk. Any true pirate has a wide gait and hideous limp. Wearing your shoes on the opposite foot to make sure you stay in character (but don’t blame us when you’re faced with blisters the next day).
Can you smile the smile? A pirate smile is like a rainbow – it doesn’t happen everyday, but when it does, it’s a beautiful thing. Be sure to apply the M&D effect to your choppers: Missing and Discolored. You can purchase phonies or keep it real by slathering your teeth with corn and chocolate syrup.
How’s your balance? Between a large hat, hook arm, and faux parrot perched on your shoulder, you’re going to need the balance of a yogi to pull this one off! Pirates are a lot of things, but clutzy they are not!
Look your best when you dress up like a pirate and remember that “dead men tell no tales.”
